The Map To Relationship With Our Children
Children need to learn from logical consequences. Many times a child’s failure is an opportunity for learning thus we must respect the self-determination of our children and their ability to navigate through often difficult decision making. Many behavioralist programs towards addressing discipline focus on rewards for basic expectations, but this is not the real world. We do not receive half a pay check for doing only half our work, we are fired. Thus, parents should seek to construct a plan which emphasizes to children that there are expectations to be completed and this should be each day an all or nothing approach. The child does not receive any allowance, etc. without fulfilling the reasonable expectations. The parent does not need to nag or remind as this only creates dependency. There should be deadlines, if the tasks are done, there is an allowance, if there is not, there is nothing provided. We should encourage our children to set standards for themselves, not merely to be pleased with ‘squeaking by.’ I have seen this scenario with children in academics where if they are close to failing, they will say, “well, I did not fail”. However, the child should take pride in their work and efforts. We need to encourage ownership and responsibility.
It is necessary for us to also examine how familial stressors and tensions as well as past traumas inpact the emotional well being of our children. It is time for parents to not exonerate themselves by seeking to label their children as ‘chemically imbalanced.” This is not to blame parents but for parents to realize they are the most important people in a child’s life and that they need to be accountable for examining how their actions and choices impact their children. It is necessary for us each day to create sanctuary with our children: quiet, reflective time each day to enjoy one another’s prescence and to become emotionally connected. We need to teach our children the art of diplomacy- of how to resolve conflicts without the need for retaliation. Children need to be taught reflective and critical thinking. I often use decision trees as a means to develop appropriate decision making. Children need positive social outlets but not to the point of their day being filled with constant activity. Children need spiritual values and a moral compass which can only be provided by parents and positive adult role models. With spirituality, parents should give an initial road map but allow the child to explore and question. It is in this process of questioning that meaning is found. I often encourage parents to also use a ‘life map’ with children, to focus on their strengths and to plan out a gradual course for where they see themselves headed in their life goals. I also use decision trees. This helps children with being able to examine their choices and their ramifications and to determine if their choices have helped them create happiness or misery. We are a product of our thoughts and choices. We create our own happiness or our own misery. Parents should avoid excessive criticism, helping their children instead to engage in critical thinking. It is also important to examine with our children how past traumas have impacted them and this I often accomplish through examination of their dreams, journaling, poetry, and reflective dialogue.
Meditative exercises and decision trees can often be useful for development of self-regulation, a key trait to successful children.
It is necessary for parents to examine the root of misbehavior. Is this child seeking attention in some way? Do they feel an injustice has happened and they are seeking revenge? Is the issue one of power? Often withdrawal from power struggles is remarkable in eliminating this dilemma. Or is the situation one of ‘assumed disability’ where the child has given up and emotionally shut down?
Children need our love and affection, but they also need the ability to have autonomy as they begin to develop more responsible action. Children need involved parents who will also be responsible and not seek to ignore problems where they exist and will be willingly to admit their own failings. There are no perfect parents, but there are involved and caring parents who strive to create true relationship with their children and offer them loving guidance.
Source by Dan Edmunds
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
