Teach Your Children to Love You

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The Story

I was twenty-seven years old. I had fulfilled my military requirement (ie, was drafted) and was in my fifth year of teaching math and physics. I had a side business that was doing very well and we had recently purchased the house of dreams. Beyond those accomplishments, Ginny and I had a great little boy of two years old. Life was good and getting better all the time.

I do not remember the occasion, maybe summer time off, but I did not have to rush off to school so I was sitting in the living room when our little guy tromped his way down the stairs and slumped onto the other end of the sofa. He was not and still is not a morning person. He sat there kind of half asleep and staring out the window into our side yard.

In my upbeat teacher voice (after all, I understood kids) I said, “Good morning, Aaron. How are you today?” He did not answer; he just ignored me. So, being the teacher who makes sure kids are engaged and learning, I said it all again with a little more directness, a little more force.

He still ignored me.

I had an instant reaction of anger and retreated to a back room of our big house to think about his rejection. Actually, I was hurt and wanted to get off by myself to lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself. I was also a bit mad but knew that was the effect that came from the cause of feeling hurt. Then the magic happened.

What I Learned

Even though I was still a reliably new parent, I had a flash of insight: I was the parent, he was the child. I was responsible for acting like a parent while he was only acting like a child. I was responsible to teach him how to react appropriately to me.

My logic chain that morning went something like this:

he was a child; I should not be surprised if he acted like a child
I could not hold him responsible for adult behavior
furthermore, I could not hold him liable for appropriate behavior he had not been taught
he really did love me; he just had not been taught how to express it
therefore, I (and my wife) was responsible for teaching him how to express love for us in an appropriate way

This was not the easy thing to do because I was still stinging a bit from his rejection. But, condemning ourselves and our private pity parties to do the right thing for our kids is what parenting is about.

Now before some readers take off in a side direction, I want to make it clear that I do not think our kids should be little robots and always respond with scripted, unauthentic responses. What I’m talking about here is a principle that would have played out in many different but appropriate ways.

The Principle Behind the Story

The principle is that we as parents need to take responsibility for teaching our children how to express love and affection.

So, contrary to what I was still feeling, I went back into the living room and sat beside our son. I quietly talked to him about how I knew it was hard to talk when you first wake up, especially if you’re not a morning person. I talked to him about how it’s more important to be nice than to give in to our own selfish emotions. I told him I loved him and knew he loved me and that people who love each other are nice to each other and talk even if they do not feel like it.

We then practiced. I told him I was going to say, “Hi, Aaron.” All he had to do was look me in the eyes and say, “Hi, Daddy.” And maybe smile – just a little bit.

So we did it one time. Then I told him to come hug Daddy and that both of us would work on being nice and loving one another even if we did not feel like it.

Fortunately for me, the teaching stuck and, even though he is still not a morning person, he is nice when he first gets up. But more importantly, he learned one of many lessons about controlling his emotions to express love and appreciation in an appropriate way.

Hope this helped you. Again, go for the principle involved, not just how I applied it when I was only twenty-seven years old.

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Source by Jacob Hall